i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Randomize
