so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
