how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
