is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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