Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
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