I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
