I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
