I wish I could teleport
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
