I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize