so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
