My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
