tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
