can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
