That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
The struggles of a small town man whore
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
