Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
