She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
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