I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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