I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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