T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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