if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
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