dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
