Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Everclear isn't food dammit
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
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