Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
