Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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