I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
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