She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
