I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
