Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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