it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
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