i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
