You made me cry and you don't even care
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
