i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
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