We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
