I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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