The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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