I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
