Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
