I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
