You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Alive.
So much puke
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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