if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
