My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
