Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Well I just put wine in my tea
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
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