I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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