Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
