I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
