Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Randomize
