I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize