my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
