I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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