just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize