If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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