Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
