remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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