my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
