She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
