I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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