Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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