we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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