I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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