Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
