handjob tips. give me some.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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