i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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