I will die if light touches me.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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